I miss my friends
Why moving across the country didn't solve my problems
I recently watched a video of Druski and Jack Harlow that made me miss my best friends. The video starts with Druski playing with a random stranger's dog. Jack is recording the video and then asks the owner of the dog to film the duo because he needs to join his “life partner.”
The video reminded me of my best friends. We call each other names like life partners. We interact with strangers and try to make each other laugh by saying absurd things. We don’t take life too seriously. We just kind of get each other. Get each other like best friends get each other.
The sad truth is, I just haven’t had that kind of connection since I moved to New York City 15 months ago. I’m not physically lonely. My roommate and I are now friends. I meet new people on the street every day.
Rachel, the 65-year-old Lesbian from Texas who co-owns a theater in Brooklyn
Steve, the caretaker of a brownstone and neighborhood chain smoker
Jacob, the bodega cook, who can never take anything seriously.
I joined a political organization where I see people on a regular basis. I participated in improv and acting classes. I work in a restaurant and interact with people daily. And, I even go on a few dates every month.
But there’s a difference between spending time with people and spending time with your best friends.
When I moved from LA to New York in September 2022, I left my whole life behind. My family, my hometown, my college town, my childhood friends, my college friends, and my post-grad friends. I left the only true friendships I’ve ever known to move 3k miles across the country for an imagined dream I didn’t even know I had. To a place with a few mutuals and 8 million strangers.
I left behind friendships based on love, respect, and emotional support. I left behind people I didn’t need to justify my actions with. People I could just be my unfiltered self with. I didn’t have to worry about being judged or misunderstood. I didn’t need to explain my actions. I left behind all this… for what?
To run away from it.
In high school and college, I cherished my friendships. They were everything to me. After a long day of work or practice, I’d speed off in my ‘04 Ford Explorer to Noah’s house in Tarzana or the lookout on Reseda. As soon as I got out of class in college I’d hustle to Kyle’s dorm room or a pregame with my girlfriend’s. Life was simple. Class, work, working out, and friendships.
However, things changed towards the end of college. I began pursuing a career in venture capital and investment banking and my priorities changed. I wanted to mature. I wanted to grow up. I emphasized my professional career over personal interests. My patience and time for friends dwindled. I began to see them as baggage.
“I was working on myself.” (The most isolating and self-absorbed phrase of the 2020s). And, moving across the country was my magnum opus.
I left LA because I wanted to grow into my own person. I wanted to experience life without an attached friend group.
Most of my friends in LA are from childhood, high school, and college. They are amazing people. But I had changed and so had they. To think we were perfect for each other would be a mistake. (To think we need to be perfect for each other is a mistake.)
I wanted to make a name for myself, to myself, in New York. I didn’t see friends as positive or neutral, I saw them as a negative. I thought my friends made my life worse. Not because I didn’t enjoy spending time with them, but because I did. They were bad influences who dragged me down to plebeian activities
I blamed my shortcomings and poor decisions on my friends. Once I got rid of them I would take off on a trajectory towards greatness. I blamed them for my vices. I blamed them for my phone addiction. I blamed them for wasting my time with a good time.
I thought leaving my friends would free me. But what did it bring me instead?
I still have the same problems. I still stay in bed too long. I still smoke weed. I still go out too late every now and then and watch more sporting events than I really should.
When two of my best friends from LA visited NYC last weekend, I realized how ignorant I’d been. I was ignorant enough to believe I could get through life without investing in friendships. I thought my best friends were the result of luck. That we were all friends of circumstances. Without realizing, to a certain extent, we are all friends of circumstances. We are all connected through intentional and unintentional threads. That’s what binds us together. That’s how we form bonds.
Great friends aren’t everything, but they add so much substance to your life. They make your life better, sweeter, just like a good dessert. (Hang with me on this analogy).
A great meal needs to stand on its own just as your life must stand on its own. But one of, if not the sweetest part of life, is friends, just as the sweetest part of your meal is dessert. They make your life sweet. They inject joy into the moments you share. Expecting them to solve all your problems or be there at every corner is foolish, just as having dessert with every meal is foolish.
Friends are amazing but you can’t make them the biggest part of your life. It doesn’t make sense. Your friends have their own problems, interests, and lives. They aren’t going to prioritize your life over theirs.
That’s a lesson I had to learn. At points in my life, I became too invested in my friends. Relied on them too much. I centered them. They were the focal point of my life.
If you indulge in too much dessert you gain weight and become unhealthy. If you spend too much time with friends, and put too much emphasis on your friendships, you’ll also become unhealthy. You’ll lose yourself.
Part of growing up is enjoying something, but not making it everything. Leaving room for yourself and not letting it consume you.
After watching the Druski and Jack Harlow video and having one of my favorite weekends in New York with my best friends, I realized… I went too far the other way. I took a left turn and couldn’t find an exit.
Sure, I laugh with myself, but I laugh like a goblin with friends. I’m confident alone but I feel like Superman when I’m with my best friends. I love myself, but when I’m with my friends, I know I’m loved.
Over the past 15 months, I’ve spent a lot of time alone or with people I don’t share a strong bond with. Sometimes being with someone who doesn’t understand you can feel more isolating than being alone. Because you think you’re in the comfort of another human being, but you couldn’t be further apart. You’re inches from their body, and miles from their mind. You begin to think. Am I the one going crazy? Was that moment insane, or am I insane?
Experiencing the world by yourself is an isolating experience. Even the most confident and secure people need love and affection. Even people who say their circle is small, still have a circle. I get an immense amount of joy from just spending time with the people I love and grew up with. My life partners.
I miss spending time with them. I miss dessert.
